x-ray result? October 3, 2008

hey.
i really love it.

i SO LOVE YOU OH LORD!!!

wheew..

would you believe it?
just when i was about to see my x-ray results..
i was asked for another one?!?

how crazy is that?
i was like…
“another one? ..i just finished last monday… wha…”

and the technician told me while interpreting my medical records..
that they are asking for another x-ray..
for the purpose of comparison…

whoa..

what are they trying to do, huh??

it was crazy..

i was like..

“huh….uh… okay..”

and then told me to return for the results on monday next week at 1pm..
hmm..
i wonder if they’ll ask for another x-ray when i return to see my x-ray results..

i am really looking forward to see RESULTS next monday..
and not another round of physical examination..
geez…
it’s tiring you know!
and all the suspense..

why can’t they just tell it straight to my face if i’m sick or not?
it’s getting a bit annoying…

LOL

oh well…
things as they are..
doctors..
it’s the same as my light ulcer..
or hyperacidity..
or whatever..

but hey, i was taking medicine that’s for ulcer patients..lol

they can’t tell what is what..
sheeesh..really.

sigh..

i guess i’ll just have to wait for the results..
X_X
wish me luck!

unnecessary thoughts, yet again. September 17, 2008

hey,

just finished the quiz on chemistry lecture…yeah..
—-too tiring.

what’s happening to ME?!?!

lately, i have been pondering on some things..
>>huh? , and just when did i not think about unnecessary things? huh?

well, OKAY. let me re-phrase it, then:

as i have always been wondering..
i was thinking about what’s happening to me recently..

i mean, it’s just getting a BIT out-of-hand..

yeah, and i mean it. totally.

just. i just can’t contain it.
i can’t keep my smile OFF of my face.

really.

and it’s already bugging those people around me.
and at times, i think that..

i’ve probably lost it.

oh. oh..

but no, i did not.

i just can’t be not happy.
even though i think that this is really worth nothing at all..
like, i am wasting my hope..

as a friend told me,
to not think too much.

like that’s a possibility for me—hahahaha!!!

i never think less.
it’s ALWAYS too much.

if i don’t.
it’s not me.
LOL.
something is critically wrong with me!

hahahahaha!!!

also, i have been caught singing..
and humming…
and skipping…
and smiling…
and sighing…
and smiling again…
and singing…
and humming…

GOSH!

and it never breaks..
it continues..

people feel the excessive brightness and lightness of my aura..
haha. they say it’s almost shuddering that i am acting this way..
my friends…my old friends..
oh. WOW.
i just wonder,
on how will they take this in..
hahaha!!!
i am but ALL-SO-GIRLY!!

it’s almost unbearably disgusting..

hahaha!!

unbelievable, for me.
i can’t believe myself, neither..

is it not nice that for a change..
i am thinking of real people?

not just anime characters, anymore?
i mean, real, and tangible persons,
that are known to me.

^^

heh heh heh..

recently..
i have been..

ermm..

thinking of ———yuck! i’m about to spill it!!

noooooo~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/o/

run!!!

\o\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okay fine. i’ll spill it.

for the sake of my sanity.
—urk. like i have been sane, lol.

heh. heh. heh.

it’s actually between ..

two…

guys..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/o/ i’ve said it!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/o/ run people!!

\o\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hahahaha!!!

well,
i have not been thinking about the other one… not until..
he sent me a message, for just about, some days ago? lol.

and terribly, to my distaste, i was still hoping for the …let’s call him A..
i was still hoping to see A… even for just a bit..
to be able to at least exchange some little talks..
or to my despicably horrible thought that he send me a text message—or so something like that.
well, i believe that he has connections, enough for him to effortlessly track my new phone number down. not unless, he’s getting so stupid as much as to be the -always, guh, always the gentleman,— to wait for me to personally give him my new number. tsk. grr.
he’s so pathetic. i tell you. he won’t argue with me. it’s so irritating.
i always get my way with him. and he won’t ever get mad at me. COME ON! i have been frustrating myself just to make him mad—but no! he only likes it better when i’m on it.
what drives me more into insanity is that, the last time i’ve seen him, he was actually having fun while seeing me get irritated at him. even told me, he missed me that much. erk.
so much for him, so much for his stupid, good-guy character..
how i wish that he be a bit of selfish at times.. geez… he does not have any idea on how much control he has on me…it’s a good thing that i’m a good actress…i can pretend otherwise..
or so i think. i really wish for him to see-though my lies.. if he can do that much..
he has his way. ^_^

duh. that’s only if he CAN.
and if he really MEAN it.

^_^

and the recently message-sender..
let us call him B. he, hmm..
he, uhmm…
err..
what can i say..

he…

i am only a bit disgusted about claiming that i miss him.
i think it’s okay..

since, i believe.. we are on good terms.. at least…
he, uhh.. he is my good friend.

as much as i want to call him kuya (older brother)…
he don’t like it.
or so i think..

well, i can say that, because..
when someone asked us, on what or how are we related to each other..
if we have something…or anything…
i remember answering.. that he’s a brother..
and i recall that he was disagreeing with me..
surely he did disagree, but i had the louder voice..
and so, i won the contest, and the answer that was accepted to that question is that..
we’re almost, blood-related. that close.

teeheeheee…

i remember,
i know, i should say..
that he likes(i wonder if i’m using the proper word–>>;;) cute girls.
and haha, happily, i don’t fall into that category. ^^ hooray!!

he prefers silence..
^_^
uhmm..

i don’t know..
but i feel so light around him..
like, i can do anything.. and he won’t bother…
sort of like that..

what i do know..
is that..
he is the first guy..
that i have claimed my boyfriend, while tugging one of his arms towards myself.
i remember that.. he did not utter a word about it..

i was just kidding when i did that, though..
it’s just to save him from a sticky girl that’s been bugging him..
or so that’s what i think..

hmm…

……

i say that giving this a proper thinking made me see things clearly.
what i have realized… about these things..
is the possible and most probably the truth..

first.
my explosive happiness..
when i knew that a certain someone sent me a message.
clearly, that was a misinterpretation.
i know that guy well enough, to know that he was only nice enough to be friendly.
just being totally friendly, as he has always have been with me.
and i know that it is only my unusually inappropriate wish to see that message in a different light.
that was very improper of me. and i am not pleased with the alien feelings that hovered all over me when i read the message…
yes. it is only my indiscreet fantasies.

well, i am SORRY for being such a GIRL for this one time…
that also applies to the other old friend that is all too nice to me..so much for being the nice guy..

it is, again, my fault that i tried to think of the things in a malicious way..

too much malice in me..
i am starting to be improper…

and this is SO NOT ME.

i am usually at control.
i am by own boss.

but this time why is it going all over the drain??
all my barriers that i have built to be able to protect my weak self from the others..
my shields that i have built to my utmost desperate attempt to hide my self from the eyes of the others…

all of it.
entirely.

it happened so fast…
so fast that even i was not aware of when it started to crash…
when it was mercilessly crushed to the ground..

why these two people..
can do so much to me…
why am i so affected?

it almost kills me just to think of them…

and i can not just ignore it.

grrr…

if you would only have the slightest idea on how i’ve died to attempt to ignore this stuffs…
it almost a year now…
and for the message-sender…it’s two years, even…
and it happened all in the past…

and i get so crazy when i get to meet them accidentally..
the nice guy, most of the time..

…..

was it my fault for having these feelings that are nothing but stranger to me?
i think they have they also have their part of this faulty and confusing situation to me..

they give me unnecessary things…
a lot of weird things,…
new things to me..

and they leave me without anything to make up about it..
it’s like leaving me a piece of paper..

and nothing more.

it’s a bit … err..
i really don’t know how to properly use words..
so i don’t know if i’m putting it in the proper way that it should be delivered…

i dont have any idea on why i received a paper–for instance..
i really don’t know….

they make me think of unnecessary thoughts…
they give me the feeling that…
it’s like as if..
they are trying to say something..
suggesting something…
that i cannot decipher..
they trust me so much as to understand what they are trying to make me understand…
but in all honestly —i don’t have any idea..

and so i am left to think of it alone..
i think, out of frustration..
i just made it look like…

they have ulterior motives behind those actions…

lol.

it’s like as if .

but, no.
i know them better.
and i know that they are only too good to be true.

haha. i should have known better.
that dwelling too much in this stuff—-it’s not good for my heart.
…

one moment, and i feel so euphoric,
that i even forget to breathe…

and the next second, i’m suddenly pissed off..
irritated and disgusted…

tell me, for i really don’t have any idea on how to CONFRONT these situations.
this is so new to me.
so alien.

i really don’t know what to do..

and so i will try, yet again, as i have always been, trying SO HARD to ignore.
and hopefully be able to STOP this nonsense.
and have my long-wished peace of mind.

i pray that they stop leaving me clueless..
i pray that they, finally get to have their spine to tell things straight to my face.
to finally put my mind at rest.
and not in grave chaos, just trying to decode what was hidden..
before i give up…since it’s creeping up on me now..
and i am slowly getting tired of this circuit..

all i want is to get things NAILED DOWN.
PUT THINGS STRAIGHT.

please, i can’t know everything.
they should know that.

really…it’s bugging me endlessly..

>_<

this is so SICK.

the message September 14, 2008

so much..

it’s always too much…

oh, hey!
did i mention my ECG result?

lol…it’s normal..

i am only diagnosed with Costochondritis.

lol

hmmmm??

i was kinda giddy…

well..
at least this last week…

^^

i feel like so..
unnecessarily happy..^^

it was triggered by a single,
few-word containing,
simple,
message.

^_^

it was all that was to make me like this.

i feel so utterly euphoric.

but not for long.

not before a friend—worriedly SICK—told me to stop.

and that he was worried for his friend–that’s me.

he’s scared that i might get hurt..–duh.

so lame, huh?

indeed.
i totally agree.

and so i did—argued with him, whatelse?
i told him, that i wasn’t dwelling too much for the matter..
and he was all, like, he can see me falling for the guy( who sent the message)
that i’ll fall for the guy and that i might be assuming too much…

for all i know, just WHAT DOES HE THINK HE KNOWS?

for all i care, this friend, andrew, he does not know the guy who sent me the message,
the single mesage that made my day.

this person who sent me the message,
he is an old friend..
an old,
special,
friend.

well,
he just said in his message:

kyaaa~

i’m so not gonna use his exact words…..
—-too embarrasing—-for me.

kyaaaaaaaa~~~!!

he just asked if it was me…
and that he is the one who sent it…

so to sum it all up.

what was indicated in the message:

an inquiry if it was ME.
and that it was HIM.

that’s all there is to it!

and ta-dah!

i was staring to my computer—heaven knows for how long that was..
i just can’t believe..

i can’t believe…
to …

ME?

me? receiving a message??

from HIM? even??

—-i know, this is a bit of an exaggeration…
but, sorry to burst your bubble, but, yeah,
unfortunately,
this is so true.

i can’t really believe it.

just too much..

i didn’t even know how to respond to it.

i just said in my reply message:

nope, I am ME.

^^

How are you?

–end of my reply message–

i am so sick.
yeah, i am.

hahaha..

i can’t decide on what to do the moment my eyes have laid out on the message..
i even forgot how to exhale..
i dunno if i was to scream…kyaaaa~
for all i know–that would lead to people swarming all around me the next minute..
and so i skipped that..
good thing i did..

but it did nothing to help me breathe properly…

i was inhaling the whole time..
and if i did exhale..
it was too long, too!!

i never got tired of staring at it..
hah. you’re starting to be scared now, huh?

i might really be taking this too seriously..

sigh..

i know..

i think..

i’ve got a crush on this guy..

sheeshh..

keep it low~

sheesshhh!!

^^

i just wish he does not get to read this.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

what am i thinking??

writing this stuff??

lol

it’s crazy.

and i want to remember this day..
a day of craziness…

i want to remember this one day…
that i thought would never happen to ME.

for a simple message to make my DAY.

^^

honestly..
i was looking for this guy..

for who knows how long..
but that was ages ago..

and i was honestly taken by surprise..
when he sent me his message..

LOL

i just sincerely wish..

that he meant what he told me..
ages ago..

when we’re still together..
—i mean, when we still see each other..

that…
he wanted to keep me..

and that …

i don’t need to mind if he looks at other girls..
for it is only ME, that he loves…

that he said..

///////////////////

___

I KNOW!

he might’ve been just messing around!!

for all i care!

it was only my stupid, pathetic wish..

that i wish it was real.

sigh…

so much for my pathetic-ness…

guess, that’s all for today.

^^

see ya guys, later~

ja ne~

happiness August 22, 2008

hah. i feel so much.

overwhelmingly…

outrageously…

heavy.

i feel so dense.

..

…

why do i feel like this?

is this the result..

of spoiling myself..

and do nothing but be myself??

is it really rude..is it really unfair??

am i unfair?

i felt so nice to be acting a whole lot of myself..
and then so suddenly..

it was so sudden…

that i felt sad—no, it’s not sadness— the word ’sad’ will be an understatement..

i felt worse than that.

and then what?

i felt so guilty.

why do i have to feel guilty when i know fully well for myself that i have done nothing wrong..

nothing..

i just made myself a treat.. in this last..what? five, six days??

and now? the feel of regret? no..this isn’t regret..
but i think..it is a bit of regret, so much that i want to deny that..

i dont want to regret having fun, in indulging myself to be me.

free of worries..pressures…and all of the things around me.
i have nothing but me.

is it really that bad to be selfish, even for this one time?

and now, it’s starting to flow against me,
the once caring and gentle wave that carried me flawlessly..
is now out of control—it’s whipping with full energy to push me off..
throwing me all around helplessly..

and i can’t seem to grasp..
what’s really happening..

what did i do??
is it really bad to swim and indulge to the vast, deep, quiet, and peaceful waters? for my one wish to be alone with myself..
and now..like a roar from a hungry lion, it washes me away..
left and right , up and down.. i was carried helplessly like a ragged doll..
…

i do not know what i want anymore..

and i dont like this feeling i am feeling right now..

why is it always like this??

hah.
i can’t believe i have fooled myself into thinking that i can be at the very least happy.
this made me realize that…
i can never be happy–no! and nothing will ever change that fact.

i must not be happy.

when i know that it’s going to be like this each and every time that my heart flutters with joy, that i would be definitely be feeling devastatingly wrong afterwards…

who wants happiness??

not me.
i have to always remind myself.
i can’t be happy.

breeze,huh? August 7, 2008

neh..i have a guidance session at 01:00pm today…

and that’s—really soon. XD

oh well, i have been to and fro the guidance section of our college these past..uh, 3 weeks?
XD LOL!!

yeah, and i have talked and told ma’am chatt (our guidance counselor) things that i have thought to be difficult, for me. you see, unlike what i am doing right now, though i always post things here, without reservation, as it may seem, it’s not. i have always been and always will be holding back.
since, i know that, we, are supposed to be, ought to be, responsible , are held responsible in every action that we do. what i have consulted madam chatt there was, my ,uh, problems… with regards to..uh..i really don’t know which category this one will fall though.. it’s rather in between peers and academics. you see, i am having trouble, lots actually, whenever im in my home section. i just can never adjust to how my classmates cope with their academic difficulties. i just really can’t. because, they cheat. ….. wicked sick, huh? but more than that, it really became a hard thing to me, when i felt that, even without telling me directly, i can tell, that it’s like… ” if you don’t cheat, you are a big fool ” –like that, kind of not clear? it’s also like, “only fools don’t cheat” .. and i am quite taken aback of the things that are taking place at that certain place..that i don’t even know what to do anymore..
slowly, unconsciously, i am being corrupted. and so to not let that happen any further, i made myself distanced a bit from them, so as to not blurt things that might offend them, since i am a very bad liar to myself, like if i see that something is wrong, i’d certainly tell that it’s wrong. but i am not the kind of frank of a person. see, i say things in the nicest way i can see is possible, and i, most of the time, don’t accept bad things easily, because i want to see things in a good way. and i always tell myself that, it can never be bad, originally, but it is bad, because something might have caused it to be like that. i always think that, we, are all internally good. we only sometimes do bad things but it is not because that we chose to or maybe we did, but it is never our only intention to to bad things, and that we have only done those, because of some reasons. although, we are not to use reasons everytime we commit errors or bad things. we are all responsible for each and every act that we execute and do. haha.
my intended “short and breeze-like post” was not met. XDD

i am sorry for getting carried away..hahha

anyways..

i’ll be posting again, later this day.

sore jaa~

aww..=D August 3, 2008

hiya!!

i’ve been up to something lately..huh??

XDD

yeah, i think so too.

neh,

to tell you the truth…
nah, i’ll just give you a short recap(for the time being^^)
you see,
i have been unstable lately(emotionally)—[eeww>_>]
and, i started to stay at the boarding house that my high school friend told me about.
we are roommates with her younger sister.^^ it was on the 15th of july.
and yeah.. i have been really busy doing a lot of stuffs..

and hm..
i am currently under medication..
they are (people around me) suspecting of ulcer..
but then again, i think that the doctor had written only “hyper-acidity”
lol, i am still under observation..hahaha

sore jaa.

>_<

i will post things that are taking place, took place, and are expected to take place,
next time^^

for now,
goodnight^^

p.s. ahhh~ i really miss wordpress..
i will try to post again here^^

lol..
i will try my very best..
though i don’t really promise..

since, i am supposed to take the preliminary exams next next week.

—and that’s not far from here!

haha.
so much for the exams..XD
i still have lots of things to worry about.:D

sore jaa~

God bless to all!

vK endIng sOng July 5, 2008

VAMPIRE KNIGHT ENDING SONG:

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
–in this crimson, crimson, crimson, I’m swaying.
yume no yume no hate e
–towards the end of this dream inside a dream.

Mou nando mo akiramete wa oshikorosu tabi
–everytime I yield, I only get crushed.
Ikiba no nai kanjou ga me o samashiteku
–My feelings, with nowhere to go, awaken.

Kegare no nai sono hohoemi zankoku na koto
–your smile is such a cruel thing.
tooru sonzai da to wakaru yo
–because I know you’re so far away.

Mienai kizu kokoro mushibamu dake na no ni
–my incurable wounds continue eating through my heart
Yami no naka ni ima mo yadoru omoi o osaekirenai
–I can’t hold back these feelings that lie in the dark.

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
–in this crimson, crimson, crimson, I’m swaying.
yume no yume no hate e
–towards the end of this dream inside a dream.

Deatte shimatta unmei ga mawaridasu
–the fate that we encounter, begin to move.
Dare mo dare mo shiranai himitsu
–this unknown secret
Ochite ochite ochite
–disappears, disappears, disappears
Mou modorenai tsumi o kizande mo
–even if er leave our sins behind, we can’t go back.
kitto
–no matter what

—————————————————–
a very brief summary of what had taken place in this week…

sunday:

–nothing special.

monday:

–normal school day,
it rained.
–i made her smile.
it somewhat hurt but it was a relief.

tuesday:

–i lost my phone.

wednesday:

–nothing special. again.
–i was thinking of him. still.
thursday:

–my thoughts was materialized that day. though not all.

today( friday) :
–i went to see marian..
and she showed me the place..

–i met tita emily..
she’s nice.^^

that is all..

>>vampire knight anime is finished??
>>they say that season two is about to be released by october??

>_<
these, i still have to see for myself..

sore jaa~

what a day! July 1, 2008

what a way to start the month..

O_o”

i lost my phone.

the most dramatic on-the-spot event in my life..

well…

one of the most..

anyways..

i’ll just tell the rest of the story next time, neh?

it’s past beyond my bedtime^^

sore jaa~

sO stupId. June 29, 2008

i feel so much..

…………..

…………………………………….

………………………………………..

………….

………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………

i am so S-T-U-P-I-D.

.

are you satisfied now?

a confession? June 26, 2008

how do i say this..

i mean…

i don’t even know how or what am i supposed to say..

but…

who cares? right?

right.

i really don’t know what to say when i am with you.

i am at loss for words…

i can’t even try to look into your eyes like before..

i am getting too self-conscious when you’re around..

i can’t think properly..

even though, i am fully aware that i shouldn’t be feeling this way.. after all, there was never ‘us’ anyways… and there will never be..

but why is it like this?

why do i feel this way?

why am i hurting?

i feel so pathetic. really pathetic. my heart hurts. and it’s all thanks to you.

this is getting more worse…huh..?

but,

i don’t blame you.

i , actually want to thank you.

thank you.

for teaching me a lot of things.

letting me learn by experience,huh?

well, it’s quite convenient..but.

it hurts. do you know that? doubt it.

…..
…….

………..

………….
……..

.
.
..

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
this is really pathetic.