sO stupId. June 29, 2008
i feel so much..
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i am so S-T-U-P-I-D.
.
are you satisfied now?
can’t sleep. May 26, 2008
…
ask me why..
i don’t know either..
might be because, i am not accustomed to sleeping THIS early? (time check: 12:14am)
but you know..
i really hate this..
i hate it when i am not in control..
not in control…
of my very self.
i don’t know why i am like this..
or why do i feel this way..
i really have NO IDEA just what this is..
…
i hate this..
i really do..
…
why..
just what the HELL..
i feel like there’s something pointy inside my chest..
and that it is painful..
…
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
IT REALLY BUGS THE CRAP OUT OF ME!!!!
….
why…
after all this time…
we haven’t had contact…
since after the high school graduation..( i am now an incoming college sophomore~ btw..>> 
..
sure we meet at the road sometimes and some of a really few text messages..
but, that is all that is there to it. nothing more. nothing less.
so, okay.. if that’s the case..
then why am i doing all these STUPID stuff right now?
and the HELL is what about ‘that’ person’s relation to this rant, anyways?
hmm..
well..
DON’T ASK ME!!! .. i don’t know it either..
what i only know..
is that..
i hate it..
to admit..
that i suddenly remember ‘him’ at point-blank occasions..
i really don’t know why.. it can’t be another person..
or why it’s ‘that’ person, anyways..
and to add.. why i can’t get ‘that’ person OUT OF MY HEAD.. so… stupid.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
why is it like this..
i feel SO PATHETIC.
i suddenly remembered him while i was singing..
“.. just when i thought i was over you..
..just when i thought i could stand on my own..
oh, baby those memories kept crashing through..
and i just cant..”
and, from there.. i wasn’t able to continue the song..
out of shock, to what the hell was i thinking at that moment..
and out of sheer disgust..of how the hell was i to be able to think of such things..
it IRKED ME.
i have lots of guys to think of.. boys(yeah, i am a girl, >> that can make my day,
with just the hint of thought.. like sagara sousuke-kun, inuyasha, himura kenshin..
hyuuga natsume-kun, kuran kaname-sama….and counting.. and counting… ^^
but, NO. this one..the littlest hint, this one gives me…
the weird, hot, and painful spark in my chest..
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
……………
i feel like crying..
like i am so helpless..
..
while having still no idea on why is these stuffs happening to me…
why can’t i understand.. a thing..
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
i dont want this kind of feeling..
i dont want ANY of this..
I AM STARTING TO HATE MYSELF FOR THIS.
why, can’t i forget?……
like i always do?
..
i did so, to all those things that i don’t even want to know anymore..
and i did so, now, even if i want to recall things, i dont know them anymore..
if it can make me feel numb..
and not feel anything that can hurt me..
i resign. and i am always doing it well..
i wonder..
…
why this thing..
i don’t fully recall everything..
nope, nothing..but still..
why am i hurting?
it’s fine if i won’t see him ever again..
oh, please, just this simple wish of mine..
make me forget all about him..
…
………………………………. please.
…………
i don’t know why,
after all these years..
…
perhaps, i am the only one left in this state..
and maybe, he doesn’t even remember me anymore..
and YET, i still feel this way..
i really feel more STUPID and PATHETIC right now..
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I DONT WANT THIS!
dort. March 12, 2008
whoa..
i feel so terrible..
really..
so i am still no good after all?
i am still useless..
what a crap..
i am so useless..
what the..
i don’t have the luxury of excusing myself anymore..
i have no more reasons..
no.
i don’t have anything.
nothing.
just a load of crap.
—
nah. i will not cry anymore.
i am tired of it.
i am sick of it.
what the hell is crying for?
it’s annoying.
it’s irritating.
though..
it’s the only thing i am good at.
alone.
doing things alone are the best.
you don’t have to think of no one.
just you.
and yourself.
…
people.
what are they.
they are scums of the earth.
hypocrites.
what the.
they keep on acting like as if they are practicing charity..
what? on thinking that they are helping..who?
me? you?
shut it.
give me a break.
and what kind of help might it be?
hm.
i will tell you one.
for instance, telling you everything you lack and suck at.
in it’s most brilliance and utter elegance.
and not to mention,
not to get tired of making you realize how useless you are.
thinking that they are helping you realize things for the better.
what the hell. the heck.
what do they know?
awesome.
so they are trying to say that they know you better than you yourself?
shut the thing.
just leave me alone.
i am better off alone.
i don’t need those stupid mockeries..
i am useless, so what?
if i am that useless then what are they?
it’s really funny.
ha. ha. ha.
what a mess.
what do those people know about failing?
they always see things in their respective perspectives..
always and always at their leisure.
well, what do i expect?
come to think of it.
it was all my fault.
i am at fault for thinking that they really do.
and can understand me.
i am such an idiot.
for fooling myself to even hope for it.
really, really an idiot.
.
i want to die.
did you say hip? March 8, 2008
How Hip Are You?
My Result: cool crew
No one ever accused you of being boring. A free thinker in everything you do — from what you wear to what you read to what you believe in — you’re not easily swayed by fleeting fads and fashions. Instead, you like to challenge convention and make your own rules. This means you’re always one step ahead of the game…or deliberately disregarding it.
But just because you march to the beat of your own drummer doesn’t mean you do it alone. You surround yourself with stimulating people who are always asking questions and looking for new ways of doing things. And a motley crew that’s always on the move is a perfect fit for a maverick like you.
DX February 20, 2008
i happened to see some papers…
that fell to the floor as i have scanned through my book…
i was taken bit aback..
as i remember those words that my eyes have seen on those pieces of papers…
words that echoed non-stop for some time on my head..
when was those letters printed…
how was it written…
where was it written…
why, what is written..
i don’t know.
it is something that is beyond personal.
yet im writing it here..
well i thought..
just in my thought anyways..
it isn’t like this will be read by a lot of people or something..
and to put in consideration..
even if people can read this..
i doubt it if they know me….lol
as i have said, this is quite personal..
yet im still on it..
here, scribbling..–or typing..lol
i just thought that i would want to remember this.
i would want to remember what i have written in these sheets of paper…
as i recall..
that night…
wasn’t any special..
just normal..
to me, it’s pretty much normal.
i was crying silently in the corner of my room..
well that was all that i could do..
so there… i was having a hard time finding ways on how to keep myself low..
so that no one can tell what i was doing..
i don’t want anyone to know i was crying.
i don’t want anyone to know i was dying.
and yes, i was thinking about a lot of things..
a real lot of things..
even if i do not want to even try to think anymore..
so back to the story…
there i was.. sitting covered with my blanket..
under my sole protective coat..
my only armor… my blanket.
it was the best of my shields..to hide myself from being seen..
being visible to all..
and so to continue..
i scribbled everything in these papers..
everything that i could think of..
in the most nice way i could possibly put it.
using my white board marker..
the one which i have presumed that wasn’t bearing any ink anymore..
and so i wrote..
hehehe..
with the light-free room..
lol
okay so here it is.
^^
“:sorry for being such a BULLSHIT.
:sorry for trying to think by myself, i forgot I AM STUPID.
:i am sorry for even trying to think i have meaning,
thanks for reminding me that I AM WORTHLESS.
:i m TIRED of trying to THINK, for every time you get to make me realize, I AM TOO LATE.
:i am sorry i am not your SCHOLAR, have you forgotten, in case, let me repeat it.
I AM STUPID.
:i am so IRRESPONSIBLE, i am sorry for being an EYESORE.
:i LISTEN to EVERYTHING that you have told me. i completely understood. I AM SENSELESS.
:i wonder…
why do you love me this much MY LORD???
ANSWER ME.”
right. i was crying my eyes out while writing all of those by the moonlight.
it was fun to know that it was all still readable amidst the scenario..
how could i possibly have been able to write that well..
when my eyes are pouring like hell..
and i couldn’t even see properly due to lots of water in my eyes…
and just how wet the paper was at that time..
still it turned out to be nice enough to be read..
and it’s just nice..
to see this one..
well
guys..
im not emo.
like hell.
but you know..
im still trying lots of things out.
i want to return to you oh Lord.
and i truly apologize for ever thinking this way before.
that’s all.
^^
still have to prepare my report in biopsych: seeing colors.
and in filipino: kasanayan sa akademikong pagsulat.
and to finish my math assignment.
and prepare for my phist prelims test.
now. with all of that.
later guys!!!
o/
February 11, 2008
why do people fall in love?
people’s feelings change.
you will only suffer when you care seriously for someone.
If so, you should stay alone right from the start.
–mao-neechan
[^^ from episode 17 of kimikiss~!]
gehehehe..^^
my reading…(what?!?) February 10, 2008
The truth that each of us is essentially alone and that we must ultimately answer to ourselves regarding our choices in life is one that resonates deeply within you. Thus, kanachan, your first loyalty is to yourself and to living your own life as authentically as possible. When you are most yourself, you are a risk taker, a trailblazer, forging your own path rather than following anyone else’s lead. Whether or not you have the courage to do so, to boldly assert yourself and follow your own star - standing alone when necessary - is crucial to fulfilling your life purpose.
There are many ways, both positive and negative, you could choose to express this core sense of singleness and this need to be an original or a pioneer. You may, for instance, simply choose to remain single. Your independence, autonomy, and freedom are very important to you, and at heart you really do not want to be distracted from your purposes or encumbered by the responsibilities and complications that accompany close, ongoing partnership with others. You are by nature a solo. This does not necessarily mean that you will avoid intimate relationships or commitments, but there must be some arena in you life where you are the chief, where you take initiative and make the decisions. Being a sole proprietor of an upstart business enterprise, free lancing, supporting yourself with as little external input as possible - they are all possible expressions of your inner drive to live life on your own terms, by your own inner creativity and dictates. If you do not feel you are your own boss, kanachan, you simply will not be happy. Your lifestyle and work must reflect your strong impulses to be self-reliant as well as to create something NEW, in order for you to be in harmony.
sore jaa~
oyasumi nasai~
February 4, 2008
that’s right.
you’ll only feel better when you don’t feel anything.
words…so stupid.
so stupid.
im tired.
of this all.
