hey,
just finished the quiz on chemistry lecture…yeah..
—-too tiring.
what’s happening to ME?!?!
lately, i have been pondering on some things..
>>huh? , and just when did i not think about unnecessary things? huh?
well, OKAY. let me re-phrase it, then:
as i have always been wondering..
i was thinking about what’s happening to me recently..
i mean, it’s just getting a BIT out-of-hand..
yeah, and i mean it. totally.
just. i just can’t contain it.
i can’t keep my smile OFF of my face.
really.
and it’s already bugging those people around me.
and at times, i think that..
i’ve probably lost it.
oh. oh..
but no, i did not.
i just can’t be not happy.
even though i think that this is really worth nothing at all..
like, i am wasting my hope..
as a friend told me,
to not think too much.
like that’s a possibility for me—hahahaha!!!
i never think less.
it’s ALWAYS too much.
if i don’t.
it’s not me.
LOL.
something is critically wrong with me!
hahahahaha!!!
also, i have been caught singing..
and humming…
and skipping…
and smiling…
and sighing…
and smiling again…
and singing…
and humming…
GOSH!
and it never breaks..
it continues..
people feel the excessive brightness and lightness of my aura..
haha. they say it’s almost shuddering that i am acting this way..
my friends…my old friends..
oh. WOW.
i just wonder,
on how will they take this in..
hahaha!!!
i am but ALL-SO-GIRLY!!
it’s almost unbearably disgusting..
hahaha!!
unbelievable, for me.
i can’t believe myself, neither..
is it not nice that for a change..
i am thinking of real people?
not just anime characters, anymore?
i mean, real, and tangible persons,
that are known to me.
^^
heh heh heh..
recently..
i have been..
ermm..
thinking of ———yuck! i’m about to spill it!!
noooooo~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/o/
run!!!
\o\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
okay fine. i’ll spill it.
for the sake of my sanity.
—urk. like i have been sane, lol.
heh. heh. heh.
it’s actually between ..
two…
guys..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/o/ i’ve said it!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/o/ run people!!
\o\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hahahaha!!!
well,
i have not been thinking about the other one… not until..
he sent me a message, for just about, some days ago? lol.
and terribly, to my distaste, i was still hoping for the …let’s call him A..
i was still hoping to see A… even for just a bit..
to be able to at least exchange some little talks..
or to my despicably horrible thought that he send me a text message—or so something like that.
well, i believe that he has connections, enough for him to effortlessly track my new phone number down. not unless, he’s getting so stupid as much as to be the -always, guh, always the gentleman,— to wait for me to personally give him my new number. tsk. grr.
he’s so pathetic. i tell you. he won’t argue with me. it’s so irritating.
i always get my way with him. and he won’t ever get mad at me. COME ON! i have been frustrating myself just to make him mad—but no! he only likes it better when i’m on it.
what drives me more into insanity is that, the last time i’ve seen him, he was actually having fun while seeing me get irritated at him. even told me, he missed me that much. erk.
so much for him, so much for his stupid, good-guy character..
how i wish that he be a bit of selfish at times.. geez… he does not have any idea on how much control he has on me…it’s a good thing that i’m a good actress…i can pretend otherwise..
or so i think. i really wish for him to see-though my lies.. if he can do that much..
he has his way. ^_^
duh. that’s only if he CAN.
and if he really MEAN it.
^_^
and the recently message-sender..
let us call him B. he, hmm..
he, uhmm…
err..
what can i say..
he…
i am only a bit disgusted about claiming that i miss him.
i think it’s okay..
since, i believe.. we are on good terms.. at least…
he, uhh.. he is my good friend.
as much as i want to call him kuya (older brother)…
he don’t like it.
or so i think..
well, i can say that, because..
when someone asked us, on what or how are we related to each other..
if we have something…or anything…
i remember answering.. that he’s a brother..
and i recall that he was disagreeing with me..
surely he did disagree, but i had the louder voice..
and so, i won the contest, and the answer that was accepted to that question is that..
we’re almost, blood-related. that close.
teeheeheee…
i remember,
i know, i should say..
that he likes(i wonder if i’m using the proper word–>>;;) cute girls.
and haha, happily, i don’t fall into that category. ^^ hooray!!
he prefers silence..
^_^
uhmm..
i don’t know..
but i feel so light around him..
like, i can do anything.. and he won’t bother…
sort of like that..
what i do know..
is that..
he is the first guy..
that i have claimed my boyfriend, while tugging one of his arms towards myself.
i remember that.. he did not utter a word about it..
i was just kidding when i did that, though..
it’s just to save him from a sticky girl that’s been bugging him..
or so that’s what i think..
hmm…
……
i say that giving this a proper thinking made me see things clearly.
what i have realized… about these things..
is the possible and most probably the truth..
first.
my explosive happiness..
when i knew that a certain someone sent me a message.
clearly, that was a misinterpretation.
i know that guy well enough, to know that he was only nice enough to be friendly.
just being totally friendly, as he has always have been with me.
and i know that it is only my unusually inappropriate wish to see that message in a different light.
that was very improper of me. and i am not pleased with the alien feelings that hovered all over me when i read the message…
yes. it is only my indiscreet fantasies.
well, i am SORRY for being such a GIRL for this one time…
that also applies to the other old friend that is all too nice to me..so much for being the nice guy..
it is, again, my fault that i tried to think of the things in a malicious way..
too much malice in me..
i am starting to be improper…
and this is SO NOT ME.
i am usually at control.
i am by own boss.
but this time why is it going all over the drain??
all my barriers that i have built to be able to protect my weak self from the others..
my shields that i have built to my utmost desperate attempt to hide my self from the eyes of the others…
all of it.
entirely.
it happened so fast…
so fast that even i was not aware of when it started to crash…
when it was mercilessly crushed to the ground..
why these two people..
can do so much to me…
why am i so affected?
it almost kills me just to think of them…
and i can not just ignore it.
grrr…
if you would only have the slightest idea on how i’ve died to attempt to ignore this stuffs…
it almost a year now…
and for the message-sender…it’s two years, even…
and it happened all in the past…
and i get so crazy when i get to meet them accidentally..
the nice guy, most of the time..
…..
was it my fault for having these feelings that are nothing but stranger to me?
i think they have they also have their part of this faulty and confusing situation to me..
they give me unnecessary things…
a lot of weird things,…
new things to me..
and they leave me without anything to make up about it..
it’s like leaving me a piece of paper..
and nothing more.
it’s a bit … err..
i really don’t know how to properly use words..
so i don’t know if i’m putting it in the proper way that it should be delivered…
i dont have any idea on why i received a paper–for instance..
i really don’t know….
they make me think of unnecessary thoughts…
they give me the feeling that…
it’s like as if..
they are trying to say something..
suggesting something…
that i cannot decipher..
they trust me so much as to understand what they are trying to make me understand…
but in all honestly —i don’t have any idea..
and so i am left to think of it alone..
i think, out of frustration..
i just made it look like…
they have ulterior motives behind those actions…
lol.
it’s like as if .
but, no.
i know them better.
and i know that they are only too good to be true.
haha. i should have known better.
that dwelling too much in this stuff—-it’s not good for my heart.
…
one moment, and i feel so euphoric,
that i even forget to breathe…
and the next second, i’m suddenly pissed off..
irritated and disgusted…
tell me, for i really don’t have any idea on how to CONFRONT these situations.
this is so new to me.
so alien.
i really don’t know what to do..
and so i will try, yet again, as i have always been, trying SO HARD to ignore.
and hopefully be able to STOP this nonsense.
and have my long-wished peace of mind.
i pray that they stop leaving me clueless..
i pray that they, finally get to have their spine to tell things straight to my face.
to finally put my mind at rest.
and not in grave chaos, just trying to decode what was hidden..
before i give up…since it’s creeping up on me now..
and i am slowly getting tired of this circuit..
all i want is to get things NAILED DOWN.
PUT THINGS STRAIGHT.
please, i can’t know everything.
they should know that.
really…it’s bugging me endlessly..
>_<
this is so SICK.
