happiness August 22, 2008

hah. i feel so much.

overwhelmingly…

outrageously…

heavy.

i feel so dense.

..

…

why do i feel like this?

is this the result..

of spoiling myself..

and do nothing but be myself??

is it really rude..is it really unfair??

am i unfair?

i felt so nice to be acting a whole lot of myself..
and then so suddenly..

it was so sudden…

that i felt sad—no, it’s not sadness— the word ’sad’ will be an understatement..

i felt worse than that.

and then what?

i felt so guilty.

why do i have to feel guilty when i know fully well for myself that i have done nothing wrong..

nothing..

i just made myself a treat.. in this last..what? five, six days??

and now? the feel of regret? no..this isn’t regret..
but i think..it is a bit of regret, so much that i want to deny that..

i dont want to regret having fun, in indulging myself to be me.

free of worries..pressures…and all of the things around me.
i have nothing but me.

is it really that bad to be selfish, even for this one time?

and now, it’s starting to flow against me,
the once caring and gentle wave that carried me flawlessly..
is now out of control—it’s whipping with full energy to push me off..
throwing me all around helplessly..

and i can’t seem to grasp..
what’s really happening..

what did i do??
is it really bad to swim and indulge to the vast, deep, quiet, and peaceful waters? for my one wish to be alone with myself..
and now..like a roar from a hungry lion, it washes me away..
left and right , up and down.. i was carried helplessly like a ragged doll..
…

i do not know what i want anymore..

and i dont like this feeling i am feeling right now..

why is it always like this??

hah.
i can’t believe i have fooled myself into thinking that i can be at the very least happy.
this made me realize that…
i can never be happy–no! and nothing will ever change that fact.

i must not be happy.

when i know that it’s going to be like this each and every time that my heart flutters with joy, that i would be definitely be feeling devastatingly wrong afterwards…

who wants happiness??

not me.
i have to always remind myself.
i can’t be happy.

breeze,huh? August 7, 2008

neh..i have a guidance session at 01:00pm today…

and that’s—really soon. XD

oh well, i have been to and fro the guidance section of our college these past..uh, 3 weeks?
XD LOL!!

yeah, and i have talked and told ma’am chatt (our guidance counselor) things that i have thought to be difficult, for me. you see, unlike what i am doing right now, though i always post things here, without reservation, as it may seem, it’s not. i have always been and always will be holding back.
since, i know that, we, are supposed to be, ought to be, responsible , are held responsible in every action that we do. what i have consulted madam chatt there was, my ,uh, problems… with regards to..uh..i really don’t know which category this one will fall though.. it’s rather in between peers and academics. you see, i am having trouble, lots actually, whenever im in my home section. i just can never adjust to how my classmates cope with their academic difficulties. i just really can’t. because, they cheat. ….. wicked sick, huh? but more than that, it really became a hard thing to me, when i felt that, even without telling me directly, i can tell, that it’s like… ” if you don’t cheat, you are a big fool ” –like that, kind of not clear? it’s also like, “only fools don’t cheat” .. and i am quite taken aback of the things that are taking place at that certain place..that i don’t even know what to do anymore..
slowly, unconsciously, i am being corrupted. and so to not let that happen any further, i made myself distanced a bit from them, so as to not blurt things that might offend them, since i am a very bad liar to myself, like if i see that something is wrong, i’d certainly tell that it’s wrong. but i am not the kind of frank of a person. see, i say things in the nicest way i can see is possible, and i, most of the time, don’t accept bad things easily, because i want to see things in a good way. and i always tell myself that, it can never be bad, originally, but it is bad, because something might have caused it to be like that. i always think that, we, are all internally good. we only sometimes do bad things but it is not because that we chose to or maybe we did, but it is never our only intention to to bad things, and that we have only done those, because of some reasons. although, we are not to use reasons everytime we commit errors or bad things. we are all responsible for each and every act that we execute and do. haha.
my intended “short and breeze-like post” was not met. XDD

i am sorry for getting carried away..hahha

anyways..

i’ll be posting again, later this day.

sore jaa~

aww..=D August 3, 2008

hiya!!

i’ve been up to something lately..huh??

XDD

yeah, i think so too.

neh,

to tell you the truth…
nah, i’ll just give you a short recap(for the time being^^)
you see,
i have been unstable lately(emotionally)—[eeww>_>]
and, i started to stay at the boarding house that my high school friend told me about.
we are roommates with her younger sister.^^ it was on the 15th of july.
and yeah.. i have been really busy doing a lot of stuffs..

and hm..
i am currently under medication..
they are (people around me) suspecting of ulcer..
but then again, i think that the doctor had written only “hyper-acidity”
lol, i am still under observation..hahaha

sore jaa.

>_<

i will post things that are taking place, took place, and are expected to take place,
next time^^

for now,
goodnight^^

p.s. ahhh~ i really miss wordpress..
i will try to post again here^^

lol..
i will try my very best..
though i don’t really promise..

since, i am supposed to take the preliminary exams next next week.

—and that’s not far from here!

haha.
so much for the exams..XD
i still have lots of things to worry about.:D

sore jaa~

God bless to all!